Still visible. Still beautiful. Quietly suffocating.
I recently wrote about the power of giving employees the oxygen they need to thrive. That oxygen is making people feel seen and understood. In that piece, I focused on two ways managers suffocate their teams: (1) showing no curiosity, and (2) shutting people down harshly when they speak up with an idea.
But there’s another behavior that lies between those two, and it’s equally deadly: casual cruelty.
No manager wakes up thinking, “How can I crush Sarah today?” The damage usually comes unintentional: the off-hand dismissal, the shrug, the eye-roll, the undercut, the patronizing chuckle, the silence.
And we’re often completely oblivious we’re doing it.
The Glass Jar
We don’t think we’re ignoring someone, but our actions say something else. They give us an idea. We give back nothing.
Whether you ignore it outright or brush it off with a half-response, the effect is the same: it’s like putting them under a laboratory bell jar and sucking out the air. Think of the enchanted rose under glass — still visible, but suffocating all the same.
Anything short of full active listening does this. Make sure you can describe the idea back to its owner — clearly enough that they nod and say, “Yes, that’s exactly it.”
Whether you ignore it outright or brush it off with a half-response, the effect is the same: it’s like putting them under a laboratory bell jar and sucking out the air.
Some phrases to help:
- “If I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying _____.”
- “So what you’re saying is _____.”
- “Let me make sure I’m clear on what you’re saying…”
- “From what I’m hearing, it sounds like you’re saying _____.”
- “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re saying _____.”
Extending the idea
- “And if that’s true, then it implies _____.”
- “What’s one way we could pilot this without too much risk?”
- “How can we achieve this and still hit our other priorities?”
These questions don’t cost you authority. They give oxygen. They tell people their thought has legs, and you’re willing to walk a little further with it.
“Still visible. Still beautiful. Quietly suffocating.
The Oblivious Manager’s Greatest Hits
Here’s what casual cruelty looks like in practice:
- Checking your phone while someone talks.
- Nodding without ever responding.
- Moving to the next agenda item like nothing was said.
- Saying, “We’ve tried that before.”
- Letting an idea die in the room without even a postmortem.
None of these feel cruel in the moment. But to the person under the bell jar, every one of them sucks out oxygen.
The Cost of Oxygen
Yes, there are practical realities. Not every idea deserves a budget line or a project plan. But every idea deserves to be heard.
The enchanted rose looked protected under glass. In truth, it was dying petal by petal.
Anything short of genuinely trying to understand a comment, position, or suggestion starves people of oxygen. Do it often enough, and they’ll wither. Worse, they’ll quietly quit, comply without caring, or even sabotage without realizing it.